Part 11: QAnon: The RPG

QAnon: The RPG

Welcome back! Last time on the Sex and Violence run of ATOM RPG, we got a rude extortionist guard to smoke himself to death and then impressed a local hospital girl with our love of books and our mighty Cossack sword.

Today we're going to do some more dumb shit, namely walking around Kraznoznamenny and meeting the many weird and dumb people there. For anyone worried about a certain other LP, that is still going!



If you don't have Fidel with you, this lady talks about boring beetroot shit and gives you a free one.

: [When the woman notices Fidel, her smile and look become even more friendly. Her cheeks turn red...]

Things get considerably more interesting if you bring along Fidel.

: Oh you are also here, comrade inn-keeper? Hello... What an interesting new friend you have.

Margarita is, per the Russian wiki, Natalie Wood.

: Well I am more interested in who let this fragile lady carry all of this heavy beetroot... We can help you.

I mean, I guess we make Fidel carry enough guns and stuff, it's only fai - what am I saying? No!



I guess a different translator worked on this one, huh?

: I've got other things on my mind besides beetroot. How do you and Fidel know each other? I mean, if you are allowed to disclose this kind of information.

: [The woman lowers her gaze, but her kind smile stays]

: Well... One could say we are good friends... Him and I. After my husband was injured by a myrmic-lion on a hunt, he was in a coma for more than a month... His whole body was covered by these tiny infected cuts that were left by the monster's poisonous mandibles.



Uh huh.

: Not only that the comrade innkeeper saved my Gena... He didn't even ask for any money for this help. Oh! Without your help, Fidel, without you being my manly pillar, during those one and a half months... I would've perished.

: That's nothing. When it comes to you, Margarita, I will not stop at anything...



Well, ATOM characterizes the protagonist very effectively as a boorish asshole, so...

: So did you do it? [Make a raunchy face]



: How dare you! For God's sake! I'm married!

They did it



This is a hilariously unfunny failed save.

: [Fidel whispers]

: Try something like this again and we will have a serious talk...!

Buddy, I'm not the one declaring I would do anything for a married woman.



: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking, making a joke like that. I need a breath of fresh air.




Ha ha.



This is Margarita's husband. He sucks.



He's apparently called giraffe because, uh...I'm not sure what happened here but he watched his cell mate behave inappropriately?



So while he's imagining his wife after being free she's looking for somebody like Fidel. I take that last option and avoid the sheer awkwardness of this whole thing.



The Mushroom Cult has a building here with an Illuminati (it's not the Eye of Truth!) pyramid on it. I'm sure that's not at all ominous.



This girl outside the brothel is advertising the casino, and gets really unfriendly when we press her for personal information. What a waste of time.



Fidel introduces this guy as "my informer from the city" but he doesn't offer you any kind of useful plot information. It's a casino full of verbose NPCs.



This lady drops some ominous foreshadowing on us.



I'm sure this Mushroom Cult isn't that important.



This guy runs the gun store. He's not super important, but if you follow the skill prompts you get 15 points in automatic weapons from watching him clean an AK. His barter is super high (as the pacifist run mentioned) so you won't get good prices, but...



He sells crazy shit like machine guns. We need a lot more cash, alas.



This fucker extorts you when you walk past, but if you have Fidel he can talk your way out of it. Really, fuck this town.



Is this a reference? I have no idea!



Tinfoil man has a quest we'll be putting off for a little while.



This guy has a "funny" schtick where he was in a mental institution, but now he's a Soviet era dissident. The thing about this game's English localization is that wherever the writing can go for the laziest form of humor, it strides boldly forward.





This seems ominous.

: Have we met before? This is a weird reaction to me...

: [The woman winks at you and stifles a laugh]

: Not in person, not in person. I, Yegoria Mikhailovna, am free of any relatiohships and very open to interesting rumours. I've been interested in you ever since people started talking of some unknown man who came to the Otradnoye gate.



: Well, people have been teasing me for my nondescript appearance since childhood. Are you following their example?

: I see! You're just nondescript! How silly of me not to think of it!



: Now that it's clear, can we change the subject?



: Although perhaps you could answer a couple questions first?

: [The woman waves dismissively, as if she's been asked this too many times]



This kind of meta humor really isn't funny when it's the devs putting these words in your mouth. "Ha ha! You do boring fetch quests and ask asinine questions because that's all that's in the dialogue tree" is just such basic internet humor that it's not particularly funny or insightful "Lol them video games sure don't reflect reality!"

: What do people say about the Chamber of Commerce?



Yashin is the trader from Otradnoye Kovalev didn't trust.

: Goodness gracious. I have another question...



: Are there any rumours circulating in the suburbs?







: Truer words have never been said... Can I ask another question?





I mean, the game beats you over the head with it by having the police extort you twice.

: One hand washing the other, mother... Another question.



: Are there any rumours from other regions?



And we've run her out of questions.




I also buy all the cigs I can find. You never know.



This guy has a whole thing with a mutant ant he's training that part of me thinks is a pokemon reference?



Oh, this should be good.





: I'm not really hungry... and you don't look like a shop owner.

: [The man smiles broadly and grasps your arm]



Yeah, guess where this is going.

: Wait, wait. I would like to know who I'm dealing with first.

: [The man slaps himself on the forehead].



: What's your name, man?



: Then I won't. I have another question.



: What are you doing here? Come on, honestly!

: [The man smiles bitterly, raises his cap and strokes his receiding[sic] hair]



: I won't. Now, I have another question...

I'll skip the "ask any questions you want" from here on out.

: What is this place?



: I'm not surprised, really... Let me ask another question.

: Have you heard any interesting rumours?

: There's only one thing that occupies my mind now - the dreadful secret I have found out! But it deserves a talk of its own.



Huh.

: Was he indeed? Let me ask another question.

Up two selections in the tree...



: Go on, tell me what you wanted me to help you with.





: [Nod and listen in silence]

: [The man looks around warily and comes closer]



: Wait, wait. You read other people's letters?

: [The man gives a modest smile]

: Well, what can I say? I'm a perfectionist. Before the war, we got paid extra for this. And now I continue working for the good cause, albeit for free. There's no other way. How else can you find out if it's a letter or a CIA code, a parcel or an acid bomb, a magazine for kids or a plan to overthrow the Central Committee of the Communist Party?



: And what was it that you found?

: A letter. A very ordinary letter, it seemed. Simple talk... of food, sport and cinema. But the longer I read it, the clearer it became it was a coded message! And the words had a totally different meaning... Look at this phrase, for example.



Yea, it's a pizzagate quest. The devs commented on this one, and I'll get to that in a bit.

: It's a very weird letter indeed.

: Slightly odd indeed, to put it mildly! Bear in mind that Kirill Arkadyevich is a successful merchant, a rich man from a distant city of Trudograd. And the letter came from Peregon. From a barbeque shop that belongs to Ivan Kirdayev and Anton Lichvatkin. This shop is incidentally very popular among the Peregon merchants and the Guards, and the Chamber of Commerce members as well.



: [Continue listening in silence]



: Weird... Does it matter where to eat barbeque? Why necessarily in the garden or at the construction site?



Yeah, we're going there!

: But how did you come to this conclusion? Men, slaves...?



: If a lamb is a man then a chicken must be a woman. And an egg...



Yeah, uh, the funny reference game just went there, kids!



: All in all, what goes on in their barbeque shop is the closest thing to Hell you can imagine. Tell me... are you ready to explore this place?

: Proof of corruption in the establishment... Many things will come to light! And I'll pay you a modest sum for this... from the remaining money earned by the sweat of my brow. I can give up anything for justice. If you choose to do it, you can use this...



: I can't promise anything, but I'll see what I can do...

: I have just one word for you - thanks! This is the letter, as an example of their correspondence. I only dared to nick one. Do you know where Peregon is? Doesn't matter, I'll mark it for you.

: [The former postman snatches away your map and marks Peregon]



: Alright. See you.


So, yes, this is a quest to be that Comet Pizza shooter guy who read too much internet dumb shit and drove down to Comet Pizza to rescue the kids supposedly trapped in the basement by pedophiles pimping them out to Hillary Clinton. This was actually brought up on the Steam forums, and the team mod replied.



I'm calling bullshit on this one. I'm sorry, but the whole thinly veiled "lamb barbeque" instead of "cheese pizza" where the end result is basement child sex trafficking (notice that neither of the stated inspirations involve pedophilia as food items, as far as I know) and the quest is literally to go to the basement of this food place to go rescue people. There's more to this questline, a lot more, and we're not doing it right now because the next stage involves a particularly difficult fight I'm not sure how to do with Fidel around.

We're going to pause the update here and resume exploring Kraznoznamenny next time.

Next time: Oh fuck me, MORE Lovecraft references!